Dear Austin,
You are so stubborn.You stubbornly loved me when I did not love myself; you loved me when I denied I loved you; you loved me even when you could not stand me. That stubborn love, that mulish, persistent love forced me to be better. I wanted so badly to become somebody worthy of such unconditional love. I still want to become somebody worthy of that loyalty and devotion.
In many ways, you were better than me. I was more savvy, but you were better in part because to you savviness didn't matter that much. To you, so many things I said made no sense because they struck you as dishonest and stupid; they did not fit in with your compassionate rationality. You made me ashamed of my hypocrisies but helped me to overcome them.
I wish desperately every day that you were still here to hold me, to help me cry, and then to help me improve so that I wouldn't need that help as much later on. I miss you horribly and everything reminds me of you. The other day, there was a snowstorm that occurred during fluctuating weather, causing the snow to be very icy and glimmer in the trees in a way I had never seen before and I wanted to hear your specific hypothesis. I am having a difficult time communicating with a mutual friend of ours and wish you would just roll your eyes at me until I dealt with it. I cannot go to a concert in Rockefeller chapel and put my coat down on my left side because that is where you would sit and to fill that space with anything else feels horribly wrong.
I know I am rambling, but that is what our conversations were like, leaping from topic to topic and back again afterwards. I love you, now and always.
You are so stubborn.You stubbornly loved me when I did not love myself; you loved me when I denied I loved you; you loved me even when you could not stand me. That stubborn love, that mulish, persistent love forced me to be better. I wanted so badly to become somebody worthy of such unconditional love. I still want to become somebody worthy of that loyalty and devotion.
In many ways, you were better than me. I was more savvy, but you were better in part because to you savviness didn't matter that much. To you, so many things I said made no sense because they struck you as dishonest and stupid; they did not fit in with your compassionate rationality. You made me ashamed of my hypocrisies but helped me to overcome them.
I wish desperately every day that you were still here to hold me, to help me cry, and then to help me improve so that I wouldn't need that help as much later on. I miss you horribly and everything reminds me of you. The other day, there was a snowstorm that occurred during fluctuating weather, causing the snow to be very icy and glimmer in the trees in a way I had never seen before and I wanted to hear your specific hypothesis. I am having a difficult time communicating with a mutual friend of ours and wish you would just roll your eyes at me until I dealt with it. I cannot go to a concert in Rockefeller chapel and put my coat down on my left side because that is where you would sit and to fill that space with anything else feels horribly wrong.
I know I am rambling, but that is what our conversations were like, leaping from topic to topic and back again afterwards. I love you, now and always.
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